My first post.....

I am a self-serving, selfish, conniving man. When you read my blog, just keep that in mind. All I want is what I want and I forget everyone and everything else in my way.
Of course, that is only a half truth, but for now, it serves it purpose.
I am in a barely tenable situation, both within and without. So much so that I really don't want to write it down.
Emily....ah...Emily.....
The woman the fuels my desire. The woman that I would do almost anything for. The woman who wants nothing to do with me.
Yes, it's going to be one of those blogs.
My dear Emily. She picked me up from what was nearly the end for me and showed me that there was another way to live. In doing so, she sacrificed herself so completely that I drove her away. Oh, I understand. I understand it all. She thinks that I don't. She thinks that I don't have a clue how she feels. She believes that I am so muddled in my ADD haze that I can't see 5 feet in front of me. How wrong she is. It is true that at times I am incapable of making changes and fruitful decisions to benefit myself, but I still see much.
How terrible it is to know that she thinks of Jim all the time. He sets her soul ablaze. He gives her a reason to go on. Jim this and Jim that. Daddy Jim, I love him so much. He is a great man. He can figure out anything. Of course, I should mention that Jim and his lovely ex, Joan, live satisfactorily together although they are not married. They used to be. See, Joan doesn't know about Emily. Only, I guess, in some small smile that comes to Jims face from time to time. Joan has Alzheimers. She can barely take care of herself.
One time Jim told a couple of the kids and one of them reacted badly that he was Emily's Daddy. So now Jim won't tell anyone. There are secret conversations on the cellphone when he is on his way home from work. Even I have called his house pretending that I am a friend so that he and Emily can talk.
I'm sure that many people out there are wondering "Why the hell does he put himself through this?" Sometimes I wonder myself.
The answer lies in my life and my past:
I have had 3 major relationships. Being quite the drinker that I used to be, I had 3 very terrible relationships. One's that happened almost strictly to maintain my habitual drinking. I'm not saying that they were all bad. There were good moments in all of the relationships, but I didn't know how to maintain them. I didn't know how to look outside of myself to see that there was another person there. I didn't even know to do that. I was so damaged, so ravaged, so inwardly-driven. Until Emily.
I wanted what I wanted. I needed what I needed. That was it. There was nothing else. Until Emily.
Quite simply, Emily gave me my life. She encouraged me to stand on my own two feet and something happened that had never happened before.....I fell in love with her. I didn't mean to. At the time that we got together, I felt deep down that this would be a woman who wouldn't understand me, we would have some laughs, she would get tired of me and then it would be over. Well, it did happen like that....sort of. But in 2 years I became a man (I'm now 40) and I started to realize that there is more for me than constant pain. Yes, I did a lot of the work myself, but if not for Emily and her caring stubborness, I would still be aimless and wandering.
I fell in love and she was never in love to begin with. And everyday I see her everyday with love in my eyes and distance in hers. And for right now there is nothing I can do about it except deal with it the best I can
More later....